Hi anyone who ventures across this blog.
I'm not putting the link in a profile, on a website, or telling it to a single one of my friends. In fact, I won't even tell you who I am. But if you found this, there must be a reason, and I hope you stick around.
I'm just a nineteen year old girl with things to express and words to say, and I need an outlet. I don't want to write a journal, because frankly I hate writing privately and worrying about hiding it, and who knows, maybe someone who feels the same way as I do will come across this and get inspired by my words.
So now I have a "blog".
I really don't like that word. It sounds gross.
Anyway, like I said, I'm not really going to tell you about me, besides what I feel I need to get out that day. You won't know my name. You won't know what I look like. But you will get a sense of what I'm feeling.
Like any nineteen year old girl, I'm in love with someone who does not love me back. I've been in love with him since I was thirteen and in the seventh grade, and I'm now a sophomore in college. Why haven't we ever gotten together? He's my best friend, and that's all he sees me as. In fact, I'm sometimes even known as "one of the guys" to him, because I love sports. Lately it's gotten a lot worse. We talk at least five hours a day, and I just can't get these feelings for him to leave. Maybe some part of me just wants a boyfriend--a guy that is constantly there to understand what I am feeling, but the other part of me, is all "you're independent, you don't need a fella."
See that's the thing. If you were to poll 100 people who know me, and ask them one word to describe me, 98 of them would probably say "strong". I'm the tough girl that doesn't take shit, has an attitude that I am not afraid of anything, and words don't hurt me.
But these people don't see the tear stains on my pillow. They don't see how I lay awake in bed in the dark thinking about things. Sometimes you just want someone to express that all to. To know that they are always there and will love you unconditionally, no matter how you are feeling. I know he could be that guy, because he already understands me more than other people do. Yet I'm not very attractive to him, and as well as he knows me and loves me, he knows all of my flaws and dislikes them. I guess I shouldn't want a guy that doesn't embrace my flaws and love them for being a party of me, but I can't freakin' help it. Oh well.
So today I danced in the rain. Literally, I threw on some sweatpants, rainboots, and a jacket and just twirled and danced in a rainstorm. It was one of the best days I've had in a while. Then I come inside and change, put on a fresh t-shirt and a pair of shorts, and I discovered I was wearing all black. I've never done this in my entire life. In fact I live for vibrant and bright colors, and I love to express that in my wardrobe. So why was I in all black? Was it a sign? Was someone trying to tell me something? Was my heart trying to? Or was it just a simple coincidence? Who knows.
Another thing about me that few people know, I write songs. No one has actually seen or heard them, and I don't want them ever to. Only three people know that I write them, and they know better than to push me to share them with them, cause I might just kick their ass. Just kidding.
Anyway, something none of them know, is that I have never completed a song. I have enough lyrics running through my head to, if I had a band (and didn't sound like a dying animal when I sing), put out about 10 cds. No really, I could write over 100 different songs if I could complete the lyrics. I have all of this inspiration to write all of these different lyrics, but I've never had the inspiration to complete a song fully. Bridge, Chorus, Verses--I can't get them to combine.
Yet, I think I'm getting close. It's a rough draft right now, but I recently had an epiphany about that boy I mentioned, and well, I think he might have inspired me to finish my first complete song. It's heartwrenching and might bring tears to your eyes if you know the whole story behind it, but it fits, and it might actually be pretty decent.
I guess I also want a boyfriend so that someone completely knows me. I was thinking about it today actually, and I can't think of one person in the entire world, who knows everything about me. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe I've sheltered myself. Maybe I've protected myself from heartbreak before ever allowing myself to experience it. I want to change this. There's someone out there for me, who is going to know all of me and love every bit of it, and I will find it. I keep listening to "One Step At A Time" by Jordin Sparks because she has that line "it's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen", and I'm trying to live by that.
My blog name fits me. I hear a song, and I immediately know what the person felt or experience when writing it. If I don't, I will research it until I find the meaning behind the song. Lyrics speak to me, and music and songs mean the world to me. That's a lot of the reason that I listen to old school music mainly, because that was when music meant something. At least to me. So I literally live the lyrics, because music is a way people express what they can't form into everyday words. That's my life in a nutshell.
So I think that is it for my opening post. If no one reads this, well that's alright, because that's not the point of me writing it. If someone does, congratulations on getting this far. I probably wouldn't read about a nineteen year old's mediocre problems, when the economy is failing, gas prices are rising, war in the middle east and darfur, and a bunch of other problems in this world. But if you did, thanks. It shows you care.
I leave you with this quote: "For everything you have missed, you have gained something else. And for everything you gain, you lose something else. It is about your outlook on life. You can either regret or rejoice." -Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Have no regrets. Live. Laugh. Love. And listen to music.
xLivin'theLyricsx
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